Boundaries are a familiar topic in counseling and recovery circles these days. It's a current topic but it's also as old as the universe – the creation story is about God setting boundaries: the universe was “without form and void” and God separated light from darkness, the waters above from the waters below, dry ground from the waters around it, the stars and planets into their own systems and movements, one kind of organism from other organisms, and so on.
A boundary is where one thing ends and something else begins. It’s also whatever it is that separates one thing from another, or marks one things as different from other things In a community, physical boundaries identify the agreed-upon places to drive cars as opposed to walking; they mark where your property ends and mine begins, and therefore, they designate the things I’m responsible for taking care of in contrast to the things you’re responsible for. Physically, our skin is the physical boundary that designates what is us, and what is not us. There is an extension of that skin boundary that serves as a safety or comfort zone around us. People refer to it as their personal space, and if someone we don’t know comes too close we have a natural impulse to step back or push them away. Anyone who’s ever been in a crowded elevator knows what I mean.
Emotionally and interpersonally, we learn about our boundaries by the way we are treated as children. We learn if it’s okay or not okay for us to feel, think, do, and say; we learn what we have control over and what we don’t. Then we teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us.
We teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us. Most people will respect our boundaries based on what they’ve learned is socially appropriate, or if they are different, if we let them know what and where they are. And others will take advantage of them.
Sometimes, the problem is - we’re not sure where the boundary lines are ourselves, so we don’t mark them clearly and even well-intentioned people transgress them. But many times the boundaries we’ve learned growing up are not safe and respectful of ourselves or others, so we find ourselves being exploited by people who are all too happy to take advantage of our weak, misplaced, or even nonexistent boundaries.
The first thing we need to do is identify what and where the boundary really is – then we can figure out what sort of fence we need to put in place to mark it, and that depends a lot on the kind of “neighbor” we’re dealing with as to how strong and tall it need to be. If there’s already a fence, or boundary there but it doesn’t follow the true property line, it needs to be changed.
More to come . . .
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