We've been talking about boundaries between people in terms of being able to say no, being able to accept no for an answer, being able to say yes, and being able to accept yes from others. Lots of times we know we have a problem with boundaries because we feel the strain of it, we may even try to set boundaries with ourselves or someone else, but we can't seem to make it stick. So today I want to talk a little about when it's hard to set boundaries and what to do about it.
Boundaries identify and express differences. There are laws, written and unwritten, that govern how we handle differences. If I can't say no to someone who wants me to do something I don't want to do, I have some sort of rule operating - I may not have put it in words yet, but there's something there keeping me from functioning freely as a responsible individual in the relationship.
We all have rules operating that prescribe our behavior. They are rules we have either received by osmosis (modeling) with or without being aware of it, or that we’ve learned along the way. They are rules that somehow seem right or “work” for us, or we wouldn’t continue to obey them. Sometimes counseling is about helping clients figure out what the rules are that they are going by and what they need to do in order to change them.
Question: What can a person do if they have trouble setting boundaries?
Identify the rule and examine it's validity. Does it apply to this situation? Is the boundary you are thinking about setting reasonable and fair? Seek guidance and support from those you can trust.
Think through the potential consequences of setting the boundary. If you're going to be able to make it stick, you'll need to make as informed decision as you can regarding the outcome.
Think through the most likely responses and plan for handling them. If the person you're setting a boundary with is a part of your supportive network, make sure you have other people to support you if they choose to "punish" you by cutting you off.
When you're ready to set the boundary, set it, and move on. Your discomfort with setting it will make it more awkward and will encourage resistance.
