(My thoughts on boundaries come from a number of sources, but the ideas below come most directly from: BOUNDARIES: When to Say YES When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries I have for myself are based on my beliefs about what is good and healthy for me and what is not. The boundaries I set for others are based on what I believe are good and healthy ways for two or more separate individuals with different needs, wants, and beliefs to get along with each other. If I have healthy boundaries with others, and with myself, it doesn’t really matter too much if the other person has good boundaries or not, I will figure out a way to either be around them with good boundaries or I won’t be around them. And the reverse is true. If I don’t have healthy boundaries but they do, then they won’t overstep their bounds and they won’t let me get away with overstepping theirs. Boundary problems occur when someone either oversteps their boundaries, or lets someone else overstep theirs.
So today, I want to mention four general categories of boundary problems, the first two of which are familiar to most of us: not being able to set limits or say NO, and not being willing to accept limits or hear NO. The other two boundary problems have to do with not being able to say YES, and not being able to accept YES, and I’ll explain these a little more when we get there, but let’s start with the first one, not being able to say NO.
Compliants: Can't Say NO
Compliants go along with things they don’t want to or shouldn’t go along with. They can’t say no, so by default they say yes to the bad or they say yes but don’t really mean it. They give themselves away to others to not rock the boat and end up resenting it. They have trouble standing alone and being different. They sometimes pretend to like things that their friends like just to get along. Or, if they can’t say no to themselves, then they lack the discipline to set limits on their own behavior. Compliants take on too much and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but out of fear or guilt.
They’re just the kind of person the next group love to be a relationship with. They draw Controllers like roadkill draws buzzards because Controllers are always on the lookout for someone to control.
Controllers: Can't Hear NO
Come in two types – aggressive and manipulative. Aggressive controllers run over other people’s boundaries, they aren’t even aware of them a lot of the time. The world revolves around them and what they want, and they go after it without regard for how it abuses anyone else. Manipulative controllers have the same agenda – they’re just less honest about it, using persuasion or trickery or guilt to get what they want from others. People who won’t take no for an answer tend to see others as responsible for their problems because they didn’t give them what they wanted or do what the controller thought they should do.
Non-responsives: Can't Say YES
Fall into two groups too. There are those who are unresponsive to the legitimate needs of others because their hearts are closed to the needs of anyone other than themselves. They don’t wish them harm, but they don’t wish them good either. They are so focused on what they want they don’t even see much less have time for what someone else needs. The second group of Non-responsives actively close their hearts to the needs of others out of selfishness or hatred or greed or envy. They not only don’t wish them good – they wish them harm, to be without.
Avoidants: Can't Hear YES
Avoidants say no to the good -- they have trouble accepting a yes from others. They certainly can’t ask for help and have real trouble accepting help of any kind, or even compliments, from others. If you want to see an Avoidant squirm, just be nice to them. Avoidants experience their problems and legitimate needs as bad, a weakness, or shameful. They shouldn’t have problems, they should be able to handle it themselves. They don’t have a right to impose upon or burden anyone else, even when the help or gift of caring is freely offered no strings attached.
