The Blessing and Challenge of Habits
Habits: Learned responses that are so well practiced that they occur without
conscious thought; you can do them without even thinking about it.
In fact, once you’ve got a habit down, it’s usually better NOT to think about it.
There are different kinds of habits, such as . . .
Habits of behavior:
Motor skills - tying my shoelaces, riding a bike, shooting a basket, etc.
Routines of daily living - courtesy/lack thereof, orderliness/lack thereof
Habits of mind:
Mental habits - being "collected" or freewheeling, optimistic/pessimistic,
calming or activating (ex: catastrophizing)
Emotional habits - responsive/non-responsive, chronic crisis mode,
maximizer/minimizer, coping or protective habits
Self/Spirit habits - self-awareness/lack thereof, attunement to self and others/lack
thereof
The blessing of habits is they allow you to do things with a minimum of effort and attention, they free up your mind to think about other things. And if they’re good habits, they bless you because they contribute to your overall well-being.
The challenge of habits is, if they’re not particularly good or helpful, that they hinder your ability to function effectively individually, and in relationships. And since they often operate beyond your immediate awareness, they’re harder to identify, let alone change.
What to do?
Notice what your habits are. Enlist the aid of those close to you to help you identify them, especially the ones that are troublesome in your relationships.
Choose different responses that are in line with what you're wanting. Practice it, hone it, fine tune it until it becomes automatic, or at least you can call up when needed.
People who have good habits of mind and emotion as well as behavior seem to do life and relationships so naturally – it comes easy to them, as opposed to those of us who have to work hard to get the job done. A lot of it has to do with the habits we’ve learned and are most comfortable with, even though they are not helpful.
More to come.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
KTAB - When Children Lose a Pet
Losing a personal or family pet, especially one that you've had for a long time, can be hard on anyone, but most especially on a child. It is different for everyone, depending on a number of things including how attached they were to the pet, how old they are and where they are in their intellectual and emotional development, and how many losses they have already sustained in their young lives.
As parents, we may be tempted to "help" them get over it because it's painful for us to see them hurting. For their sakes, the most important thing we can do, especially if this is their first occasion to experience grief over a significant loss, is to reassure them that grieving is the right thing to do when you lose something special to you, and to help them grieve in a healthy way.
Here are a couple links to websites that have helpful information for parents:
From the PBS website:
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/article11.html
From Best Friends Pet Care:
http://www.bestfriendspetcare.com/Pet_tips/childrenlosingapet.cfm
As parents, we may be tempted to "help" them get over it because it's painful for us to see them hurting. For their sakes, the most important thing we can do, especially if this is their first occasion to experience grief over a significant loss, is to reassure them that grieving is the right thing to do when you lose something special to you, and to help them grieve in a healthy way.
Here are a couple links to websites that have helpful information for parents:
From the PBS website:
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/article11.html
From Best Friends Pet Care:
http://www.bestfriendspetcare.com/Pet_tips/childrenlosingapet.cfm
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
KTAB – 9/19/07 - The Way Things Work
I realized the other day that I’ve been doing these interviews for over a year and a half, now, and talked about handling stress, taking good care of yourself, denial and how it works, boundaries and boundary problems, and helping our kids have good boundaries.
When I think about it, all the things I’ve talked about bring me back to the importance of knowing what’s really TRUE, and acting on it, being on the right track, living your life and making decisions based on the way things really are, and how things really work, in the real world. Knowing and facing the TRUTH is really important.
I really think that a father's and mother's primary job as parents, other than modeling God’s love to each other and to their children, is to prepare them for life by teaching AND showing them how things are and work in the real world, and then helping them learn how to survive and thrive there – as real people in the real world. Other people who come along have an impact too, brothers and sisters, grandparents, teachers, even coaches.
But, as a parent, I am the first and primary channel for truth to my child, I am the one who translates, who interprets, the happenings in this world to them before they even have words. Their deepest, most thoroughly entrenched view of the world and how things work comes through me, out of my view of the world.
What our kids need most from us, is that we be as healthy and on-balance and in touch with reality as we can be ourselves, to show them how it’s done, this living in the real world. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just good enough to show them how to figure it out for themselves.
That’s what I really appreciate about the Serenity Prayer below, especially the full version: It reminds us to see and face things as they are and then take action to change them for the better.
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things that I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and
Supremely happy with You in the next.
Amen
by Reinhold Niehbur
When I think about it, all the things I’ve talked about bring me back to the importance of knowing what’s really TRUE, and acting on it, being on the right track, living your life and making decisions based on the way things really are, and how things really work, in the real world. Knowing and facing the TRUTH is really important.
I really think that a father's and mother's primary job as parents, other than modeling God’s love to each other and to their children, is to prepare them for life by teaching AND showing them how things are and work in the real world, and then helping them learn how to survive and thrive there – as real people in the real world. Other people who come along have an impact too, brothers and sisters, grandparents, teachers, even coaches.
But, as a parent, I am the first and primary channel for truth to my child, I am the one who translates, who interprets, the happenings in this world to them before they even have words. Their deepest, most thoroughly entrenched view of the world and how things work comes through me, out of my view of the world.
What our kids need most from us, is that we be as healthy and on-balance and in touch with reality as we can be ourselves, to show them how it’s done, this living in the real world. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just good enough to show them how to figure it out for themselves.
That’s what I really appreciate about the Serenity Prayer below, especially the full version: It reminds us to see and face things as they are and then take action to change them for the better.
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things that I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and
Supremely happy with You in the next.
Amen
by Reinhold Niehbur
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
KTAB - 08/01/2007 Children and the Hierarchy of Needs
The following is a chart to depict Maslow's theory regarding what he called every person's "hierarchy of basic needs."
According to Maslow, a person does not feel the need of a higher category of needs until the needs below it have been met. For example, one does not think about safety needs until biological needs have been met, or belonging needs until safety and biological needs have been met, and so on.
This is true for adults as well as children, but the impact of unmet needs is greater for a younger child, who is still in the early stages of physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual development. If the child is focused(stuck) on having his basic needs met, such as enough food to eat or sleep to function, etc., or if his family or living situation is violent or unstable, he will not be able to attend to the demands of learning how to be a healthly person - personally, socially, even morally. Frustration and acting out may become a problem, school performance and learning will be diminished, and social skills will be affected.
Making sure the basic needs are met allows the child to move ahead in his or her developmental journey towards mature and healthy personhood.
According to Maslow, a person does not feel the need of a higher category of needs until the needs below it have been met. For example, one does not think about safety needs until biological needs have been met, or belonging needs until safety and biological needs have been met, and so on.
This is true for adults as well as children, but the impact of unmet needs is greater for a younger child, who is still in the early stages of physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual development. If the child is focused(stuck) on having his basic needs met, such as enough food to eat or sleep to function, etc., or if his family or living situation is violent or unstable, he will not be able to attend to the demands of learning how to be a healthly person - personally, socially, even morally. Frustration and acting out may become a problem, school performance and learning will be diminished, and social skills will be affected.
Making sure the basic needs are met allows the child to move ahead in his or her developmental journey towards mature and healthy personhood.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Being Chosen
" . . . Being chosen expresses a special relationship, being known and loved in a unique way, being singled out. In our society our being chosen always implies that others are not chosen. But this is not true for God. God chooses his Son to reveal to us our chosenness. In the Kingdom of God there is not competition or rivalry. The Son of God shares his chosenness with us. In the Kingdom of God each person is precious and unique, and each person has been given eyes to see the chosenness of others and rejoice in it."
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/13 entry
I'm drawn to this comment for several reasons. For one, it reminds me of the (mostly) playful sibling rivalry that has at times gone on between my daughters, each of whom claim to be the favorite-est. It also reminded me in a more thoughtful way of the book by Chaim Potok, The Chosen, where "chosenness" is costly. Being chosen carries with it a burden of responsibility as well as a blessing. There is a yoke to be born. I vote for one that fits well, as in "my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus, quoted in Mt. 11:28-30
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/13 entry
I'm drawn to this comment for several reasons. For one, it reminds me of the (mostly) playful sibling rivalry that has at times gone on between my daughters, each of whom claim to be the favorite-est. It also reminded me in a more thoughtful way of the book by Chaim Potok, The Chosen, where "chosenness" is costly. Being chosen carries with it a burden of responsibility as well as a blessing. There is a yoke to be born. I vote for one that fits well, as in "my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus, quoted in Mt. 11:28-30
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Giving AND Receiving
"It is important to know when we should give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, and give without asking anything in return. We may think that this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little more than a proud attitude that says, 'I don't need help from others, I only want to give.' When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly. Only when we pay careful attention to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs can we be, and remain, joyful givers. There is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives."
from Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/11 entry
It seems to me that others of us give and give without ever getting anything for ourselves in return for a different reason. Some have been taught through life experiences that they have no right to exist, let alone expect anything from anyone else; so they give and give and give themselves away hoping/longing for someone to respond in kind someday. And sometimes that happens, but often not. Often they "collect" a following of those who are happy to take and take and take, and who self-centeredly seem to think that they are doing you a favor to let you serve them.
Still others feel so blessed that they cannot help but pass along the blessing with a heart of gratitude. Their cups keep overflowing so they give and give and give without any need for a return from the recipient because they are receiving what they need from another source or sources.
Pride gives only as long as it feels good to give. Unworthiness gives until it can't anymore, ending up in emptiness, depression, and isolation. Gratitude gives in response to having been given to, and enjoys the blessing of passing on what has been freely given.
from Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/11 entry
It seems to me that others of us give and give without ever getting anything for ourselves in return for a different reason. Some have been taught through life experiences that they have no right to exist, let alone expect anything from anyone else; so they give and give and give themselves away hoping/longing for someone to respond in kind someday. And sometimes that happens, but often not. Often they "collect" a following of those who are happy to take and take and take, and who self-centeredly seem to think that they are doing you a favor to let you serve them.
Still others feel so blessed that they cannot help but pass along the blessing with a heart of gratitude. Their cups keep overflowing so they give and give and give without any need for a return from the recipient because they are receiving what they need from another source or sources.
Pride gives only as long as it feels good to give. Unworthiness gives until it can't anymore, ending up in emptiness, depression, and isolation. Gratitude gives in response to having been given to, and enjoys the blessing of passing on what has been freely given.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Faith is . . .
"When you get to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen; either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."
(Edward Teller, an American Physicist)
. . . or could it also be, Dave wonders, that when by faith you step into the darkness of the unknown and you crash and burn or get crucified because of it, God can bring good from it in entirely unforeseen and incomprehensible ways, even through suffering.
I shared this quote and my comment with a friend, and his light-filled way of saying it was, "when we find ourselves in a storm, sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he calms his child."
(Edward Teller, an American Physicist)
. . . or could it also be, Dave wonders, that when by faith you step into the darkness of the unknown and you crash and burn or get crucified because of it, God can bring good from it in entirely unforeseen and incomprehensible ways, even through suffering.
I shared this quote and my comment with a friend, and his light-filled way of saying it was, "when we find ourselves in a storm, sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he calms his child."
Friday, June 22, 2007
KTAB - 06/20/07 Helping Kids Stop, Even When They Don't Want To
Last time we talked about the basic ways we can help children develop self-control:
a. Build a nurturing, caring relationship. We all learn to control our behavior to please the people who care about us.
b. Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them.
c. Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done.
d. Encourage activities to strengthen skills that children need for self-control. They need ways to deal effectively with the frustration, and they need ways to get their needs met so that they don’t have to violate others’ boundaries to get what they want.
How to intervene when children overstep the boundaries:
1. Be specific when you say NO and redirect if possible. When you’re needing a child to stop doing something, you need to be both clear and specific. Offer positive alternatives, like, “You can’t do that…but you CAN do this…”
2. Be physically close. Especially with younger children, it helps to get close and use a gentle touch if you and the child are comfortable with that. Just calling across the room may not provide enough support to help a child stop. Getting down on the children’s eye level can also help to engage them and get them to listen to you. As children develop some control, they may stop if the adult gives just a soft touch on the arm. As children develop still more control, the adult can help them stop with just a look or a comment.
3. Stay calm yourself. It’s easy to get caught in the emotion of the moment when children are upset and acting out, but it helps if you can remain calm. Children will be reassured by your calmness, and it can help settle them down.
Remember, too, with any development, children often take two steps forward and one step backward. Some days will be better than others. Children generally regress if there’s stress at home or if they’re tired or not feeling well. Take care of yourself, too, because your patience and understanding will go a long way towards helping them learn to respect others, develop self control, and deal with their frustrations.
a. Build a nurturing, caring relationship. We all learn to control our behavior to please the people who care about us.
b. Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them.
c. Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done.
d. Encourage activities to strengthen skills that children need for self-control. They need ways to deal effectively with the frustration, and they need ways to get their needs met so that they don’t have to violate others’ boundaries to get what they want.
How to intervene when children overstep the boundaries:
1. Be specific when you say NO and redirect if possible. When you’re needing a child to stop doing something, you need to be both clear and specific. Offer positive alternatives, like, “You can’t do that…but you CAN do this…”
2. Be physically close. Especially with younger children, it helps to get close and use a gentle touch if you and the child are comfortable with that. Just calling across the room may not provide enough support to help a child stop. Getting down on the children’s eye level can also help to engage them and get them to listen to you. As children develop some control, they may stop if the adult gives just a soft touch on the arm. As children develop still more control, the adult can help them stop with just a look or a comment.
3. Stay calm yourself. It’s easy to get caught in the emotion of the moment when children are upset and acting out, but it helps if you can remain calm. Children will be reassured by your calmness, and it can help settle them down.
Remember, too, with any development, children often take two steps forward and one step backward. Some days will be better than others. Children generally regress if there’s stress at home or if they’re tired or not feeling well. Take care of yourself, too, because your patience and understanding will go a long way towards helping them learn to respect others, develop self control, and deal with their frustrations.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
KTAB – 5/23/07 - Kids, Boundaries, and Self-Control
Lead-in: You’ve been talking about helping kids have healthy boundaries.
Kids first have to know where the boundaries are. Then, they have to gain control over their impulses to overstep the boundaries to get what they want. Kids who haven’t been socialized to know what is personally and interpersonally appropriate violate the boundaries of others, but not necessarily with the intent to harm, not at first. They act on what they want or feel – they act on impulse, without understanding the effect their actions have on others – and they wouldn’t be able to control their impulses if they did understand since they’ve never learned how to. So, first they learn the rules, then they need guidance and help in following them,since up to this point they have acted only on impulse.
Question: So the first step is teaching what the limits are, then how to stay in them. What’s the best way to do that?
Basically, parents and other caregivers can help children develop healthy boundaries and the self-control to stay within them by:
Building a nurturing, caring relationship. We learn to control our behavior partly to please the people who care about us. We learn best how to respect the needs and boundaries of others, “social interest,” when our own boundaries have been respected, so we know what it feels like.
Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them. Good teaching involves giving the information necessary to understand, explaining and modeling the behavior desired, guiding the child’s efforts to follow the rule until he or she has it down,
and providing close enough supervision to insure that the rule is followed consistently and to provide positive feedback.
Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done – more on this next time.
Encourage activities to strengthen the skills children need for self-control. “Just saying NO” to my impulse doesn’t change the impulse or meet the need that triggered it – it just stopped it, leaving the impulse frustrated and the want or need unmet. This is as true for adults as it is for children. At the point that I’ve been prevented from doing what I was going to do, I need a way to deal effectively with the frustration, or sometimes outright anger, I feel because of it, an outlet to allow me to diffuse the frustration constructively. And ultimately, I need ways to live my life and take care of myself so that I don’t need to violate my own and others’ boundaries.
Kids first have to know where the boundaries are. Then, they have to gain control over their impulses to overstep the boundaries to get what they want. Kids who haven’t been socialized to know what is personally and interpersonally appropriate violate the boundaries of others, but not necessarily with the intent to harm, not at first. They act on what they want or feel – they act on impulse, without understanding the effect their actions have on others – and they wouldn’t be able to control their impulses if they did understand since they’ve never learned how to. So, first they learn the rules, then they need guidance and help in following them,since up to this point they have acted only on impulse.
Question: So the first step is teaching what the limits are, then how to stay in them. What’s the best way to do that?
Basically, parents and other caregivers can help children develop healthy boundaries and the self-control to stay within them by:
Building a nurturing, caring relationship. We learn to control our behavior partly to please the people who care about us. We learn best how to respect the needs and boundaries of others, “social interest,” when our own boundaries have been respected, so we know what it feels like.
Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them. Good teaching involves giving the information necessary to understand, explaining and modeling the behavior desired, guiding the child’s efforts to follow the rule until he or she has it down,
and providing close enough supervision to insure that the rule is followed consistently and to provide positive feedback.
Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done – more on this next time.
Encourage activities to strengthen the skills children need for self-control. “Just saying NO” to my impulse doesn’t change the impulse or meet the need that triggered it – it just stopped it, leaving the impulse frustrated and the want or need unmet. This is as true for adults as it is for children. At the point that I’ve been prevented from doing what I was going to do, I need a way to deal effectively with the frustration, or sometimes outright anger, I feel because of it, an outlet to allow me to diffuse the frustration constructively. And ultimately, I need ways to live my life and take care of myself so that I don’t need to violate my own and others’ boundaries.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
believing in God
[My son recently sent me a link to this quote and this man's website. This fits my experience, I think, so I find it helpful in understanding how coming to faith isn't a matter of knowledge as much as a movement of the heart and spirit (I'm struck by the use of the word "suffers").]
"At no point did I say that a man could reason himself to a belief in God. At most, philosophy can argue that the Unmoved Mover of Aristotle or the Absolute of Hegel exists: but this God of the Philosophers does not have the character and personality of the God in the Bible (even though the God in the Bible, oddly enough, does have the character of the God of the Philosophers). I do not think anyone can believe in God unless he is inspired or suffers a revelation, or accepts the testimony of someone else who is or has. Theology, reasoning about God, is defensive, not persuasive."
"I cannot possibly talk you into belief in God: all I can do is show you why, once I have accepted such a belief, my ideas are rational and cohere each with their axioms and conclusions."
more at http://johncwright.livejournal.com/85492.html
"At no point did I say that a man could reason himself to a belief in God. At most, philosophy can argue that the Unmoved Mover of Aristotle or the Absolute of Hegel exists: but this God of the Philosophers does not have the character and personality of the God in the Bible (even though the God in the Bible, oddly enough, does have the character of the God of the Philosophers). I do not think anyone can believe in God unless he is inspired or suffers a revelation, or accepts the testimony of someone else who is or has. Theology, reasoning about God, is defensive, not persuasive."
"I cannot possibly talk you into belief in God: all I can do is show you why, once I have accepted such a belief, my ideas are rational and cohere each with their axioms and conclusions."
more at http://johncwright.livejournal.com/85492.html
things that divide . . .
A neighbor's teenage son borrowed a piece of equipment from me last year and brought it back damaged. He was very apologetic and assured me that they would be willing to pay for it to be fixed, so I had it fixed and placed a copy of the bill in their mailbox with a note indicating that they could pay whatever they thought was fair. I never heard back from them other than once in an unrelated phone call, I heard the father telling the son to tell me that they were going to get a check to me but that was 4-5 months ago.
When I see them now while I'm out walking or working or driving, it seems like there's some sort of invisible wall or distance between us. I still wave or nod my head if I'm carrying something and mostly they do too, though it seems at times that they must not have seen me. But it feels different. We don't just stop and talk the way we used to. I'm thinking it may have something to do with them feeling discomfort from not having done what was promised or irritation with me for asking for something they don't think they owe me. It could be any number of other things as well, or my imagination even.
It occurred to me this morning that this might have something to do with why I sometimes can't find the time to pray. I feel the weight of having done or not done something I needed to do or not do, and can't bring myself to face up yet. I'm so glad there are stories where Jesus just reached out and loved on people who never would have dreamed that he would give them the time of day, let alone seek them out in such a caring way.
Us lonely prodigals need that.
When I see them now while I'm out walking or working or driving, it seems like there's some sort of invisible wall or distance between us. I still wave or nod my head if I'm carrying something and mostly they do too, though it seems at times that they must not have seen me. But it feels different. We don't just stop and talk the way we used to. I'm thinking it may have something to do with them feeling discomfort from not having done what was promised or irritation with me for asking for something they don't think they owe me. It could be any number of other things as well, or my imagination even.
It occurred to me this morning that this might have something to do with why I sometimes can't find the time to pray. I feel the weight of having done or not done something I needed to do or not do, and can't bring myself to face up yet. I'm so glad there are stories where Jesus just reached out and loved on people who never would have dreamed that he would give them the time of day, let alone seek them out in such a caring way.
Us lonely prodigals need that.
Friday, May 18, 2007
KTAB – 4/11/07 Boundaries and Babies
Question: How does a person learn about boundaries?
While no one used the word boundaries we learned many of them, or at least began learning them, long before we ever went to school. We learned what was ours to control, and what wasn't. We learned how we were to take care of ourselves and how to treat others. We learned some of the rules or boundaries through trial-and-error experiences but many or most we learned from our parents or whoever took care of us the first years of our lives. And that's really where I want to go next in these conversations. What things need to happen in order for a child, first, to learn what the boundaries are and, second, to develop the self-control necessary to respect them?
Remember, boundaries are where one thing ends and another begins. Personal boundaries begin with an awareness of one’s own physical body boundaries. Newborn babies have zero awareness of boundaries other than experiencing the loss of them – after all, they just stopped being safely tucked inside Mom’s boundaries and were squeezed out into a much colder, less hospitable environment where they’re jostled and poked and picked up and laid down and wrapped and unwrapped, etc. They have no conscious control over much of anything at first – they nurse, and grab onto, and cry or squirm in purely reflexive, automatic ways. They don’t decide to cry because they’re hungry – it just happens. They experience the discomfort of hunger, a noise happens they don’t initially even know was them, and the feeling and the noise continue until, hopefully, something else happens and they start feeling better, at which time the noise stops. Babies learn from everything that happens, and become more and more aware of their bodies and what they can do with them as time goes on.
Question: What does “body awareness” have to do with boundaries with others?
Before a child can begin to control what they do with their mouths, hands, and feet, they’ve got to know that they have them, they need to have a physical sense of self. In the beginning they don’t even realize that those stick-things they see waving around with fingers and toes on the ends are a part of their body. They learn that they’re good for sucking on but biting down can hurt. In time they even learn that they some control over what those fingers and toes can do. They learn that they can do things with their voice, too. When they cry out they either learn that something good or comforting will happen, or it won’t. Over time they begin to develop a sense of what they have control over, both physically with their bodies, and relationally, in how their needs can be voiced and if they’re met. In the process of learning these things they also learn how things work when others are involved, and what "rules" govern how relationships work.
Question: So how do parents help in this process of learning personal boundaries?
Of first importance is to provide a caring, nurturing relationship. A child needs to know without even thinking about it that they are safe and loved and taken care of, that they can ask for help and get it. Otherwise, it’s not a safe world where they have control over anything and they will get distracted from the task of learning about navigate in their world.
Secondly, parents can give lots of positive physical attention to their baby. Babies become aware of their physical bodies as they are held, touched, and played with. As you engage a little one in hand games like pat-a-cake or “this little piggy went to market,” they develop their body awareness. Another game that parents play almost spontaneously is the simple naming game where you touch and name different parts of their body. The goal is to help the child be aware of their bodies, and have a sense of what they can do with them. That’s the first step in learning where the boundaries are and exercising self-control.
An important thing to remember is that the development of boundaries and self-control is a process that begins in infancy and extends into adulthood. It may be the most important task of childhood because it determines how successful we will be in living and working with other people.
While no one used the word boundaries we learned many of them, or at least began learning them, long before we ever went to school. We learned what was ours to control, and what wasn't. We learned how we were to take care of ourselves and how to treat others. We learned some of the rules or boundaries through trial-and-error experiences but many or most we learned from our parents or whoever took care of us the first years of our lives. And that's really where I want to go next in these conversations. What things need to happen in order for a child, first, to learn what the boundaries are and, second, to develop the self-control necessary to respect them?
Remember, boundaries are where one thing ends and another begins. Personal boundaries begin with an awareness of one’s own physical body boundaries. Newborn babies have zero awareness of boundaries other than experiencing the loss of them – after all, they just stopped being safely tucked inside Mom’s boundaries and were squeezed out into a much colder, less hospitable environment where they’re jostled and poked and picked up and laid down and wrapped and unwrapped, etc. They have no conscious control over much of anything at first – they nurse, and grab onto, and cry or squirm in purely reflexive, automatic ways. They don’t decide to cry because they’re hungry – it just happens. They experience the discomfort of hunger, a noise happens they don’t initially even know was them, and the feeling and the noise continue until, hopefully, something else happens and they start feeling better, at which time the noise stops. Babies learn from everything that happens, and become more and more aware of their bodies and what they can do with them as time goes on.
Question: What does “body awareness” have to do with boundaries with others?
Before a child can begin to control what they do with their mouths, hands, and feet, they’ve got to know that they have them, they need to have a physical sense of self. In the beginning they don’t even realize that those stick-things they see waving around with fingers and toes on the ends are a part of their body. They learn that they’re good for sucking on but biting down can hurt. In time they even learn that they some control over what those fingers and toes can do. They learn that they can do things with their voice, too. When they cry out they either learn that something good or comforting will happen, or it won’t. Over time they begin to develop a sense of what they have control over, both physically with their bodies, and relationally, in how their needs can be voiced and if they’re met. In the process of learning these things they also learn how things work when others are involved, and what "rules" govern how relationships work.
Question: So how do parents help in this process of learning personal boundaries?
Of first importance is to provide a caring, nurturing relationship. A child needs to know without even thinking about it that they are safe and loved and taken care of, that they can ask for help and get it. Otherwise, it’s not a safe world where they have control over anything and they will get distracted from the task of learning about navigate in their world.
Secondly, parents can give lots of positive physical attention to their baby. Babies become aware of their physical bodies as they are held, touched, and played with. As you engage a little one in hand games like pat-a-cake or “this little piggy went to market,” they develop their body awareness. Another game that parents play almost spontaneously is the simple naming game where you touch and name different parts of their body. The goal is to help the child be aware of their bodies, and have a sense of what they can do with them. That’s the first step in learning where the boundaries are and exercising self-control.
An important thing to remember is that the development of boundaries and self-control is a process that begins in infancy and extends into adulthood. It may be the most important task of childhood because it determines how successful we will be in living and working with other people.
KTAB – 3/7/07 I'm Responsible For What's On My "Property"
Another way of looking at boundary problems is seeing them as a failure to recognize or accept responsibility for what lies within my boundaries, what's within my control. Boundaries designate where one thing ends and another begins. Physically, my skin is the boundary between what's me and what's not me. But there's more to me than what meets the eye. What I think and believe is me, what I feel and care about is me, what I choose to do with myself and my time and my money is also me. I'm not responsible for what you do or say or think or how you spend your time and money. I'm only responsible for what I do and say and think, what is actually or essentially under my control. If I don't understand or accept that, then I either won't be taking care of my own business or I'll be trying to take care of yours.
I use the word "essentially" because I really am responsible for what I do with my time and energies, even if I let someone else control them. You've probably known people who, if you start a conversation with them, will talk and talk and if you let them they will make you late for an appointment or picking up your kids or getting your homework done. You may get mad at them for making you late, but the choice about whether you ended the conversation in time to make it to the bank before it closed was essentially yours. So there are both people who overstep their bounds, their boundaries, who try to control what doesn't belong to them, and people who let them, who don't take responsibility for what they do, or could if they chose, have control of.
Some people don't take control of what is within their boundaries because they don't know or understand where the boundaries are, or they don't think they have the right or power to enforce them. Others don't because they've let someone else have the control, out of fear of making a mistake or making someone mad or some other reason. "I can't do that -- I'll hurt their feelings and they won't be my friend anymore." And others don't because they just don't care -- it's not important to them to be responsible.
More to come . . .
I use the word "essentially" because I really am responsible for what I do with my time and energies, even if I let someone else control them. You've probably known people who, if you start a conversation with them, will talk and talk and if you let them they will make you late for an appointment or picking up your kids or getting your homework done. You may get mad at them for making you late, but the choice about whether you ended the conversation in time to make it to the bank before it closed was essentially yours. So there are both people who overstep their bounds, their boundaries, who try to control what doesn't belong to them, and people who let them, who don't take responsibility for what they do, or could if they chose, have control of.
Some people don't take control of what is within their boundaries because they don't know or understand where the boundaries are, or they don't think they have the right or power to enforce them. Others don't because they've let someone else have the control, out of fear of making a mistake or making someone mad or some other reason. "I can't do that -- I'll hurt their feelings and they won't be my friend anymore." And others don't because they just don't care -- it's not important to them to be responsible.
More to come . . .
KTAB – 2/7/07 When It's Hard to Set Boundaries
We've been talking about boundaries between people in terms of being able to say no, being able to accept no for an answer, being able to say yes, and being able to accept yes from others. Lots of times we know we have a problem with boundaries because we feel the strain of it, we may even try to set boundaries with ourselves or someone else, but we can't seem to make it stick. So today I want to talk a little about when it's hard to set boundaries and what to do about it.
Boundaries identify and express differences. There are laws, written and unwritten, that govern how we handle differences. If I can't say no to someone who wants me to do something I don't want to do, I have some sort of rule operating - I may not have put it in words yet, but there's something there keeping me from functioning freely as a responsible individual in the relationship.
We all have rules operating that prescribe our behavior. They are rules we have either received by osmosis (modeling) with or without being aware of it, or that we’ve learned along the way. They are rules that somehow seem right or “work” for us, or we wouldn’t continue to obey them. Sometimes counseling is about helping clients figure out what the rules are that they are going by and what they need to do in order to change them.
Question: What can a person do if they have trouble setting boundaries?
Identify the rule and examine it's validity. Does it apply to this situation? Is the boundary you are thinking about setting reasonable and fair? Seek guidance and support from those you can trust.
Think through the potential consequences of setting the boundary. If you're going to be able to make it stick, you'll need to make as informed decision as you can regarding the outcome.
Think through the most likely responses and plan for handling them. If the person you're setting a boundary with is a part of your supportive network, make sure you have other people to support you if they choose to "punish" you by cutting you off.
When you're ready to set the boundary, set it, and move on. Your discomfort with setting it will make it more awkward and will encourage resistance.
Boundaries identify and express differences. There are laws, written and unwritten, that govern how we handle differences. If I can't say no to someone who wants me to do something I don't want to do, I have some sort of rule operating - I may not have put it in words yet, but there's something there keeping me from functioning freely as a responsible individual in the relationship.
We all have rules operating that prescribe our behavior. They are rules we have either received by osmosis (modeling) with or without being aware of it, or that we’ve learned along the way. They are rules that somehow seem right or “work” for us, or we wouldn’t continue to obey them. Sometimes counseling is about helping clients figure out what the rules are that they are going by and what they need to do in order to change them.
Question: What can a person do if they have trouble setting boundaries?
Identify the rule and examine it's validity. Does it apply to this situation? Is the boundary you are thinking about setting reasonable and fair? Seek guidance and support from those you can trust.
Think through the potential consequences of setting the boundary. If you're going to be able to make it stick, you'll need to make as informed decision as you can regarding the outcome.
Think through the most likely responses and plan for handling them. If the person you're setting a boundary with is a part of your supportive network, make sure you have other people to support you if they choose to "punish" you by cutting you off.
When you're ready to set the boundary, set it, and move on. Your discomfort with setting it will make it more awkward and will encourage resistance.
KTAB – 11/15/06 Boundary Problems
(My thoughts on boundaries come from a number of sources, but the ideas below come most directly from: BOUNDARIES: When to Say YES When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Boundaries I have for myself are based on my beliefs about what is good and healthy for me and what is not. The boundaries I set for others are based on what I believe are good and healthy ways for two or more separate individuals with different needs, wants, and beliefs to get along with each other. If I have healthy boundaries with others, and with myself, it doesn’t really matter too much if the other person has good boundaries or not, I will figure out a way to either be around them with good boundaries or I won’t be around them. And the reverse is true. If I don’t have healthy boundaries but they do, then they won’t overstep their bounds and they won’t let me get away with overstepping theirs. Boundary problems occur when someone either oversteps their boundaries, or lets someone else overstep theirs.
So today, I want to mention four general categories of boundary problems, the first two of which are familiar to most of us: not being able to set limits or say NO, and not being willing to accept limits or hear NO. The other two boundary problems have to do with not being able to say YES, and not being able to accept YES, and I’ll explain these a little more when we get there, but let’s start with the first one, not being able to say NO.
Compliants: Can't Say NO
Compliants go along with things they don’t want to or shouldn’t go along with. They can’t say no, so by default they say yes to the bad or they say yes but don’t really mean it. They give themselves away to others to not rock the boat and end up resenting it. They have trouble standing alone and being different. They sometimes pretend to like things that their friends like just to get along. Or, if they can’t say no to themselves, then they lack the discipline to set limits on their own behavior. Compliants take on too much and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but out of fear or guilt.
They’re just the kind of person the next group love to be a relationship with. They draw Controllers like roadkill draws buzzards because Controllers are always on the lookout for someone to control.
Controllers: Can't Hear NO
Come in two types – aggressive and manipulative. Aggressive controllers run over other people’s boundaries, they aren’t even aware of them a lot of the time. The world revolves around them and what they want, and they go after it without regard for how it abuses anyone else. Manipulative controllers have the same agenda – they’re just less honest about it, using persuasion or trickery or guilt to get what they want from others. People who won’t take no for an answer tend to see others as responsible for their problems because they didn’t give them what they wanted or do what the controller thought they should do.
Non-responsives: Can't Say YES
Fall into two groups too. There are those who are unresponsive to the legitimate needs of others because their hearts are closed to the needs of anyone other than themselves. They don’t wish them harm, but they don’t wish them good either. They are so focused on what they want they don’t even see much less have time for what someone else needs. The second group of Non-responsives actively close their hearts to the needs of others out of selfishness or hatred or greed or envy. They not only don’t wish them good – they wish them harm, to be without.
Avoidants: Can't Hear YES
Avoidants say no to the good -- they have trouble accepting a yes from others. They certainly can’t ask for help and have real trouble accepting help of any kind, or even compliments, from others. If you want to see an Avoidant squirm, just be nice to them. Avoidants experience their problems and legitimate needs as bad, a weakness, or shameful. They shouldn’t have problems, they should be able to handle it themselves. They don’t have a right to impose upon or burden anyone else, even when the help or gift of caring is freely offered no strings attached.
Boundaries I have for myself are based on my beliefs about what is good and healthy for me and what is not. The boundaries I set for others are based on what I believe are good and healthy ways for two or more separate individuals with different needs, wants, and beliefs to get along with each other. If I have healthy boundaries with others, and with myself, it doesn’t really matter too much if the other person has good boundaries or not, I will figure out a way to either be around them with good boundaries or I won’t be around them. And the reverse is true. If I don’t have healthy boundaries but they do, then they won’t overstep their bounds and they won’t let me get away with overstepping theirs. Boundary problems occur when someone either oversteps their boundaries, or lets someone else overstep theirs.
So today, I want to mention four general categories of boundary problems, the first two of which are familiar to most of us: not being able to set limits or say NO, and not being willing to accept limits or hear NO. The other two boundary problems have to do with not being able to say YES, and not being able to accept YES, and I’ll explain these a little more when we get there, but let’s start with the first one, not being able to say NO.
Compliants: Can't Say NO
Compliants go along with things they don’t want to or shouldn’t go along with. They can’t say no, so by default they say yes to the bad or they say yes but don’t really mean it. They give themselves away to others to not rock the boat and end up resenting it. They have trouble standing alone and being different. They sometimes pretend to like things that their friends like just to get along. Or, if they can’t say no to themselves, then they lack the discipline to set limits on their own behavior. Compliants take on too much and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but out of fear or guilt.
They’re just the kind of person the next group love to be a relationship with. They draw Controllers like roadkill draws buzzards because Controllers are always on the lookout for someone to control.
Controllers: Can't Hear NO
Come in two types – aggressive and manipulative. Aggressive controllers run over other people’s boundaries, they aren’t even aware of them a lot of the time. The world revolves around them and what they want, and they go after it without regard for how it abuses anyone else. Manipulative controllers have the same agenda – they’re just less honest about it, using persuasion or trickery or guilt to get what they want from others. People who won’t take no for an answer tend to see others as responsible for their problems because they didn’t give them what they wanted or do what the controller thought they should do.
Non-responsives: Can't Say YES
Fall into two groups too. There are those who are unresponsive to the legitimate needs of others because their hearts are closed to the needs of anyone other than themselves. They don’t wish them harm, but they don’t wish them good either. They are so focused on what they want they don’t even see much less have time for what someone else needs. The second group of Non-responsives actively close their hearts to the needs of others out of selfishness or hatred or greed or envy. They not only don’t wish them good – they wish them harm, to be without.
Avoidants: Can't Hear YES
Avoidants say no to the good -- they have trouble accepting a yes from others. They certainly can’t ask for help and have real trouble accepting help of any kind, or even compliments, from others. If you want to see an Avoidant squirm, just be nice to them. Avoidants experience their problems and legitimate needs as bad, a weakness, or shameful. They shouldn’t have problems, they should be able to handle it themselves. They don’t have a right to impose upon or burden anyone else, even when the help or gift of caring is freely offered no strings attached.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
NOUWEN: Growing Beyond Self-Rejection
One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me" we choose the road to darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 1/10 entry
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 1/10 entry
NOUWEN: Friendship in the Twilight Zones of our Hearts
There is a twilight zone in our own hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite alot about ourselves -- our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and drives -- large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness.
This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility but also to a deep trust in those who love us. It is in the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 3/24 entry
This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility but also to a deep trust in those who love us. It is in the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 3/24 entry
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
KTAB - 11/01/06 Intro to Boundaries
Boundaries are a familiar topic in counseling and recovery circles these days. It's a current topic but it's also as old as the universe – the creation story is about God setting boundaries: the universe was “without form and void” and God separated light from darkness, the waters above from the waters below, dry ground from the waters around it, the stars and planets into their own systems and movements, one kind of organism from other organisms, and so on.
A boundary is where one thing ends and something else begins. It’s also whatever it is that separates one thing from another, or marks one things as different from other things In a community, physical boundaries identify the agreed-upon places to drive cars as opposed to walking; they mark where your property ends and mine begins, and therefore, they designate the things I’m responsible for taking care of in contrast to the things you’re responsible for. Physically, our skin is the physical boundary that designates what is us, and what is not us. There is an extension of that skin boundary that serves as a safety or comfort zone around us. People refer to it as their personal space, and if someone we don’t know comes too close we have a natural impulse to step back or push them away. Anyone who’s ever been in a crowded elevator knows what I mean.
Emotionally and interpersonally, we learn about our boundaries by the way we are treated as children. We learn if it’s okay or not okay for us to feel, think, do, and say; we learn what we have control over and what we don’t. Then we teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us.
We teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us. Most people will respect our boundaries based on what they’ve learned is socially appropriate, or if they are different, if we let them know what and where they are. And others will take advantage of them.
Sometimes, the problem is - we’re not sure where the boundary lines are ourselves, so we don’t mark them clearly and even well-intentioned people transgress them. But many times the boundaries we’ve learned growing up are not safe and respectful of ourselves or others, so we find ourselves being exploited by people who are all too happy to take advantage of our weak, misplaced, or even nonexistent boundaries.
The first thing we need to do is identify what and where the boundary really is – then we can figure out what sort of fence we need to put in place to mark it, and that depends a lot on the kind of “neighbor” we’re dealing with as to how strong and tall it need to be. If there’s already a fence, or boundary there but it doesn’t follow the true property line, it needs to be changed.
More to come . . .
A boundary is where one thing ends and something else begins. It’s also whatever it is that separates one thing from another, or marks one things as different from other things In a community, physical boundaries identify the agreed-upon places to drive cars as opposed to walking; they mark where your property ends and mine begins, and therefore, they designate the things I’m responsible for taking care of in contrast to the things you’re responsible for. Physically, our skin is the physical boundary that designates what is us, and what is not us. There is an extension of that skin boundary that serves as a safety or comfort zone around us. People refer to it as their personal space, and if someone we don’t know comes too close we have a natural impulse to step back or push them away. Anyone who’s ever been in a crowded elevator knows what I mean.
Emotionally and interpersonally, we learn about our boundaries by the way we are treated as children. We learn if it’s okay or not okay for us to feel, think, do, and say; we learn what we have control over and what we don’t. Then we teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us.
We teach others where our boundaries are by the way we let them treat us. Most people will respect our boundaries based on what they’ve learned is socially appropriate, or if they are different, if we let them know what and where they are. And others will take advantage of them.
Sometimes, the problem is - we’re not sure where the boundary lines are ourselves, so we don’t mark them clearly and even well-intentioned people transgress them. But many times the boundaries we’ve learned growing up are not safe and respectful of ourselves or others, so we find ourselves being exploited by people who are all too happy to take advantage of our weak, misplaced, or even nonexistent boundaries.
The first thing we need to do is identify what and where the boundary really is – then we can figure out what sort of fence we need to put in place to mark it, and that depends a lot on the kind of “neighbor” we’re dealing with as to how strong and tall it need to be. If there’s already a fence, or boundary there but it doesn’t follow the true property line, it needs to be changed.
More to come . . .
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