KTAB-10/24/2007: Relationships 1: Habits

The Blessing and Challenge of Habits

Habits: Learned responses that are so well practiced that they occur without
conscious thought; you can do them without even thinking about it.
In fact, once you’ve got a habit down, it’s usually better NOT to think about it.

There are different kinds of habits, such as . . .

Habits of behavior:

Motor skills - tying my shoelaces, riding a bike, shooting a basket, etc.

Routines of daily living - courtesy/lack thereof, orderliness/lack thereof

Habits of mind:

Mental habits - being "collected" or freewheeling, optimistic/pessimistic,
calming or activating (ex: catastrophizing)

Emotional habits - responsive/non-responsive, chronic crisis mode,
maximizer/minimizer, coping or protective habits

Self/Spirit habits - self-awareness/lack thereof, attunement to self and others/lack
thereof

The blessing of habits is they allow you to do things with a minimum of effort and attention, they free up your mind to think about other things. And if they’re good habits, they bless you because they contribute to your overall well-being.

The challenge of habits is, if they’re not particularly good or helpful, that they hinder your ability to function effectively individually, and in relationships. And since they often operate beyond your immediate awareness, they’re harder to identify, let alone change.

What to do?

Notice what your habits are. Enlist the aid of those close to you to help you identify them, especially the ones that are troublesome in your relationships.
Choose different responses that are in line with what you're wanting. Practice it, hone it, fine tune it until it becomes automatic, or at least you can call up when needed.

People who have good habits of mind and emotion as well as behavior seem to do life and relationships so naturally – it comes easy to them, as opposed to those of us who have to work hard to get the job done. A lot of it has to do with the habits we’ve learned and are most comfortable with, even though they are not helpful.

More to come.

KTAB - When Children Lose a Pet

Losing a personal or family pet, especially one that you've had for a long time, can be hard on anyone, but most especially on a child. It is different for everyone, depending on a number of things including how attached they were to the pet, how old they are and where they are in their intellectual and emotional development, and how many losses they have already sustained in their young lives.

As parents, we may be tempted to "help" them get over it because it's painful for us to see them hurting. For their sakes, the most important thing we can do, especially if this is their first occasion to experience grief over a significant loss, is to reassure them that grieving is the right thing to do when you lose something special to you, and to help them grieve in a healthy way.

Here are a couple links to websites that have helpful information for parents:

From the PBS website:
http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/emotions/death/article11.html

From Best Friends Pet Care:
http://www.bestfriendspetcare.com/Pet_tips/childrenlosingapet.cfm

KTAB – 9/19/07 - The Way Things Work

I realized the other day that I’ve been doing these interviews for over a year and a half, now, and talked about handling stress, taking good care of yourself, denial and how it works, boundaries and boundary problems, and helping our kids have good boundaries.

When I think about it, all the things I’ve talked about bring me back to the importance of knowing what’s really TRUE, and acting on it, being on the right track, living your life and making decisions based on the way things really are, and how things really work, in the real world. Knowing and facing the TRUTH is really important.

I really think that a father's and mother's primary job as parents, other than modeling God’s love to each other and to their children, is to prepare them for life by teaching AND showing them how things are and work in the real world, and then helping them learn how to survive and thrive there – as real people in the real world. Other people who come along have an impact too, brothers and sisters, grandparents, teachers, even coaches.

But, as a parent, I am the first and primary channel for truth to my child, I am the one who translates, who interprets, the happenings in this world to them before they even have words. Their deepest, most thoroughly entrenched view of the world and how things work comes through me, out of my view of the world.

What our kids need most from us, is that we be as healthy and on-balance and in touch with reality as we can be ourselves, to show them how it’s done, this living in the real world. It doesn’t have to be perfect – just good enough to show them how to figure it out for themselves.

That’s what I really appreciate about the Serenity Prayer below, especially the full version: It reminds us to see and face things as they are and then take action to change them for the better.


God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things that I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;


Trusting that You will make all things right
If I surrender to your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and
Supremely happy with You in the next.

Amen

by Reinhold Niehbur

KTAB - 08/01/2007 Children and the Hierarchy of Needs

The following is a chart to depict Maslow's theory regarding what he called every person's "hierarchy of basic needs."



According to Maslow, a person does not feel the need of a higher category of needs until the needs below it have been met. For example, one does not think about safety needs until biological needs have been met, or belonging needs until safety and biological needs have been met, and so on.

This is true for adults as well as children, but the impact of unmet needs is greater for a younger child, who is still in the early stages of physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual development. If the child is focused(stuck) on having his basic needs met, such as enough food to eat or sleep to function, etc., or if his family or living situation is violent or unstable, he will not be able to attend to the demands of learning how to be a healthly person - personally, socially, even morally. Frustration and acting out may become a problem, school performance and learning will be diminished, and social skills will be affected.

Making sure the basic needs are met allows the child to move ahead in his or her developmental journey towards mature and healthy personhood.

Being Chosen

" . . . Being chosen expresses a special relationship, being known and loved in a unique way, being singled out. In our society our being chosen always implies that others are not chosen. But this is not true for God. God chooses his Son to reveal to us our chosenness. In the Kingdom of God there is not competition or rivalry. The Son of God shares his chosenness with us. In the Kingdom of God each person is precious and unique, and each person has been given eyes to see the chosenness of others and rejoice in it."
Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/13 entry

I'm drawn to this comment for several reasons. For one, it reminds me of the (mostly) playful sibling rivalry that has at times gone on between my daughters, each of whom claim to be the favorite-est. It also reminded me in a more thoughtful way of the book by Chaim Potok, The Chosen, where "chosenness" is costly. Being chosen carries with it a burden of responsibility as well as a blessing. There is a yoke to be born. I vote for one that fits well, as in "my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus, quoted in Mt. 11:28-30

Giving AND Receiving

"It is important to know when we should give attention and when we need attention. Often we are inclined to give, give, and give without asking anything in return. We may think that this is a sign of generosity or even heroism. But it might be little more than a proud attitude that says, 'I don't need help from others, I only want to give.' When we keep giving without receiving we burn out quickly. Only when we pay careful attention to our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs can we be, and remain, joyful givers. There is a time to give and a time to receive. We need equal time for both if we want to live healthy lives."
from Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, 7/11 entry

It seems to me that others of us give and give without ever getting anything for ourselves in return for a different reason. Some have been taught through life experiences that they have no right to exist, let alone expect anything from anyone else; so they give and give and give themselves away hoping/longing for someone to respond in kind someday. And sometimes that happens, but often not. Often they "collect" a following of those who are happy to take and take and take, and who self-centeredly seem to think that they are doing you a favor to let you serve them.

Still others feel so blessed that they cannot help but pass along the blessing with a heart of gratitude. Their cups keep overflowing so they give and give and give without any need for a return from the recipient because they are receiving what they need from another source or sources.

Pride gives only as long as it feels good to give. Unworthiness gives until it can't anymore, ending up in emptiness, depression, and isolation. Gratitude gives in response to having been given to, and enjoys the blessing of passing on what has been freely given.

Faith is . . .

"When you get to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen; either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."

(Edward Teller, an American Physicist)

. . . or could it also be, Dave wonders, that when by faith you step into the darkness of the unknown and you crash and burn or get crucified because of it, God can bring good from it in entirely unforeseen and incomprehensible ways, even through suffering.

I shared this quote and my comment with a friend, and his light-filled way of saying it was, "when we find ourselves in a storm, sometimes God calms the storm, sometimes he calms his child."

KTAB - 06/20/07 Helping Kids Stop, Even When They Don't Want To

Last time we talked about the basic ways we can help children develop self-control:

a. Build a nurturing, caring relationship. We all learn to control our behavior to please the people who care about us.

b. Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them.

c. Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done.

d. Encourage activities to strengthen skills that children need for self-control. They need ways to deal effectively with the frustration, and they need ways to get their needs met so that they don’t have to violate others’ boundaries to get what they want.

How to intervene when children overstep the boundaries:

1. Be specific when you say NO and redirect if possible. When you’re needing a child to stop doing something, you need to be both clear and specific. Offer positive alternatives, like, “You can’t do that…but you CAN do this…”

2. Be physically close. Especially with younger children, it helps to get close and use a gentle touch if you and the child are comfortable with that. Just calling across the room may not provide enough support to help a child stop. Getting down on the children’s eye level can also help to engage them and get them to listen to you. As children develop some control, they may stop if the adult gives just a soft touch on the arm. As children develop still more control, the adult can help them stop with just a look or a comment.

3. Stay calm yourself. It’s easy to get caught in the emotion of the moment when children are upset and acting out, but it helps if you can remain calm. Children will be reassured by your calmness, and it can help settle them down.

Remember, too, with any development, children often take two steps forward and one step backward. Some days will be better than others. Children generally regress if there’s stress at home or if they’re tired or not feeling well. Take care of yourself, too, because your patience and understanding will go a long way towards helping them learn to respect others, develop self control, and deal with their frustrations.

KTAB – 5/23/07 - Kids, Boundaries, and Self-Control

Lead-in: You’ve been talking about helping kids have healthy boundaries.

Kids first have to know where the boundaries are. Then, they have to gain control over their impulses to overstep the boundaries to get what they want. Kids who haven’t been socialized to know what is personally and interpersonally appropriate violate the boundaries of others, but not necessarily with the intent to harm, not at first. They act on what they want or feel – they act on impulse, without understanding the effect their actions have on others – and they wouldn’t be able to control their impulses if they did understand since they’ve never learned how to. So, first they learn the rules, then they need guidance and help in following them,since up to this point they have acted only on impulse.

Question: So the first step is teaching what the limits are, then how to stay in them. What’s the best way to do that?

Basically, parents and other caregivers can help children develop healthy boundaries and the self-control to stay within them by:

Building a nurturing, caring relationship. We learn to control our behavior partly to please the people who care about us. We learn best how to respect the needs and boundaries of others, “social interest,” when our own boundaries have been respected, so we know what it feels like.

Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them. Good teaching involves giving the information necessary to understand, explaining and modeling the behavior desired, guiding the child’s efforts to follow the rule until he or she has it down,
and providing close enough supervision to insure that the rule is followed consistently and to provide positive feedback.

Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done – more on this next time.

Encourage activities to strengthen the skills children need for self-control. “Just saying NO” to my impulse doesn’t change the impulse or meet the need that triggered it – it just stopped it, leaving the impulse frustrated and the want or need unmet. This is as true for adults as it is for children. At the point that I’ve been prevented from doing what I was going to do, I need a way to deal effectively with the frustration, or sometimes outright anger, I feel because of it, an outlet to allow me to diffuse the frustration constructively. And ultimately, I need ways to live my life and take care of myself so that I don’t need to violate my own and others’ boundaries.

believing in God

[My son recently sent me a link to this quote and this man's website. This fits my experience, I think, so I find it helpful in understanding how coming to faith isn't a matter of knowledge as much as a movement of the heart and spirit (I'm struck by the use of the word "suffers").]


"At no point did I say that a man could reason himself to a belief in God. At most, philosophy can argue that the Unmoved Mover of Aristotle or the Absolute of Hegel exists: but this God of the Philosophers does not have the character and personality of the God in the Bible (even though the God in the Bible, oddly enough, does have the character of the God of the Philosophers). I do not think anyone can believe in God unless he is inspired or suffers a revelation, or accepts the testimony of someone else who is or has. Theology, reasoning about God, is defensive, not persuasive."
"I cannot possibly talk you into belief in God: all I can do is show you why, once I have accepted such a belief, my ideas are rational and cohere each with their axioms and conclusions."

more at http://johncwright.livejournal.com/85492.html