KTAB – 4/11/07 Boundaries and Babies

Question: How does a person learn about boundaries?

While no one used the word boundaries we learned many of them, or at least began learning them, long before we ever went to school. We learned what was ours to control, and what wasn't. We learned how we were to take care of ourselves and how to treat others. We learned some of the rules or boundaries through trial-and-error experiences but many or most we learned from our parents or whoever took care of us the first years of our lives. And that's really where I want to go next in these conversations. What things need to happen in order for a child, first, to learn what the boundaries are and, second, to develop the self-control necessary to respect them?

Remember, boundaries are where one thing ends and another begins. Personal boundaries begin with an awareness of one’s own physical body boundaries. Newborn babies have zero awareness of boundaries other than experiencing the loss of them – after all, they just stopped being safely tucked inside Mom’s boundaries and were squeezed out into a much colder, less hospitable environment where they’re jostled and poked and picked up and laid down and wrapped and unwrapped, etc. They have no conscious control over much of anything at first – they nurse, and grab onto, and cry or squirm in purely reflexive, automatic ways. They don’t decide to cry because they’re hungry – it just happens. They experience the discomfort of hunger, a noise happens they don’t initially even know was them, and the feeling and the noise continue until, hopefully, something else happens and they start feeling better, at which time the noise stops. Babies learn from everything that happens, and become more and more aware of their bodies and what they can do with them as time goes on.

Question: What does “body awareness” have to do with boundaries with others?

Before a child can begin to control what they do with their mouths, hands, and feet, they’ve got to know that they have them, they need to have a physical sense of self. In the beginning they don’t even realize that those stick-things they see waving around with fingers and toes on the ends are a part of their body. They learn that they’re good for sucking on but biting down can hurt. In time they even learn that they some control over what those fingers and toes can do. They learn that they can do things with their voice, too. When they cry out they either learn that something good or comforting will happen, or it won’t. Over time they begin to develop a sense of what they have control over, both physically with their bodies, and relationally, in how their needs can be voiced and if they’re met. In the process of learning these things they also learn how things work when others are involved, and what "rules" govern how relationships work.

Question: So how do parents help in this process of learning personal boundaries?

Of first importance is to provide a caring, nurturing relationship. A child needs to know without even thinking about it that they are safe and loved and taken care of, that they can ask for help and get it. Otherwise, it’s not a safe world where they have control over anything and they will get distracted from the task of learning about navigate in their world.

Secondly, parents can give lots of positive physical attention to their baby. Babies become aware of their physical bodies as they are held, touched, and played with. As you engage a little one in hand games like pat-a-cake or “this little piggy went to market,” they develop their body awareness. Another game that parents play almost spontaneously is the simple naming game where you touch and name different parts of their body. The goal is to help the child be aware of their bodies, and have a sense of what they can do with them. That’s the first step in learning where the boundaries are and exercising self-control.

An important thing to remember is that the development of boundaries and self-control is a process that begins in infancy and extends into adulthood. It may be the most important task of childhood because it determines how successful we will be in living and working with other people.