KTAB - 06/20/07 Helping Kids Stop, Even When They Don't Want To

Last time we talked about the basic ways we can help children develop self-control:

a. Build a nurturing, caring relationship. We all learn to control our behavior to please the people who care about us.

b. Give children rules and limits that are clear and simple so they’ll know what’s expected of them.

c. Help them stop – with kindness and firmness – when they are overstepping the boundaries, which is oftentimes easier said than done.

d. Encourage activities to strengthen skills that children need for self-control. They need ways to deal effectively with the frustration, and they need ways to get their needs met so that they don’t have to violate others’ boundaries to get what they want.

How to intervene when children overstep the boundaries:

1. Be specific when you say NO and redirect if possible. When you’re needing a child to stop doing something, you need to be both clear and specific. Offer positive alternatives, like, “You can’t do that…but you CAN do this…”

2. Be physically close. Especially with younger children, it helps to get close and use a gentle touch if you and the child are comfortable with that. Just calling across the room may not provide enough support to help a child stop. Getting down on the children’s eye level can also help to engage them and get them to listen to you. As children develop some control, they may stop if the adult gives just a soft touch on the arm. As children develop still more control, the adult can help them stop with just a look or a comment.

3. Stay calm yourself. It’s easy to get caught in the emotion of the moment when children are upset and acting out, but it helps if you can remain calm. Children will be reassured by your calmness, and it can help settle them down.

Remember, too, with any development, children often take two steps forward and one step backward. Some days will be better than others. Children generally regress if there’s stress at home or if they’re tired or not feeling well. Take care of yourself, too, because your patience and understanding will go a long way towards helping them learn to respect others, develop self control, and deal with their frustrations.